I am an Antinomy

An antinomy is when there are two things in existence together that should not be able to coexist.  They are diabolically opposite in their nature but somehow both exist simultaneously.  For example, light is an antimony.  Light is both waves and particles, its unique that way.  It should not be able to be both, yet, it is.  I feel like I myself am an antimony right now.

I am both sad and happy at the same time.  You see, we regularly assume that if we are sad we cannot be happy, and if we are happy that we cannot be sad.  However, I am finding more and more in myself this reality is true.  I am sad because I am selfish but I am happy because I am hopeful.  Let me explain.

During times of difficulty I find myself being selfish.  I want things to go my way, in my time, for my “good” reason.  I want things to be adjusted to make my life more comfortable.  I want irregularities to cease so that I won’t have to adjust.  And the more and more I think about these wants and desires the more and more I think about how selfish I am.  I want, I desire, I wish…and the list goes on.  And my heart begins to break because my selfish thoughts and wants aren’t often enough the wants and plans of God.

However, simultaneously, I am happy because I am hopeful.  I am hopeful that God will mold my heart to be more like His.  I am hopeful that God is for me not against me.  I am hopeful that my victory is found in Christ alone.  I am hopeful that my eternity will not have times of struggle, but instead will be filled with the glory of God.

So, while I weep in my selfish sadness I will rejoice in my happy hopefulness.  I will be burdened that I think too much of my wants and desires while I am delighted that I have been clothed with the righteousness of Christ instead of my own filth.  I will confess my sin of selfishness to the Lord and will celebrate that He is faithful and just to forgive me my sin!

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